I have a tail to tell.
I let him back inside my life
after many months of heartache and hell
and crying and not eating
and sitting, staring, thinking
of the tragedy that I fell in love with a man that lives in Australia.
Thank the lord for my friends, the talks, and all their help.
The dance parties and smoke sesh’s were supposed to cheer me up
but all they did was make me wish he was here and with me.
Finally. Finally the sad went away. But happiness didn’t come in its place.
Emptiness was in my heart. Emptiness took the space.
It was over between us. I had to accept that. And I did at a very slow pace.
But I guess something couldn’t let me keep going from pain to empty to ok to happy
because he came back for Burning Man and we saw each other.
He is so engrained in my life because he is friends with my friends. He was before he met me.
So now every time he comes to America I know who he will see and where he will be.
We spent all of Burning Man together. I don’t know if we fell back in love but he did with me.
I fell back into his arms, into the comfort of having someone adore and comfort me always.
After burning man we were together for 5 more days.
Now he is gone and I am sad.
Now I can’t read a book with out thinking of my sadness.
Did I think of my sadness or of him the first time?
I am the one who made myself sad.
I knew this would happen, I knew we would be back to wonderfulness and he would leave and it would be bad.
I tried to do the right thing and not see him, I did
But he kept pulling me back and how could I not see my first love if he came to America?
So now its back to emptiness.
Not happiness. It is much less.
It is the feeling of “ok, now what’s next.”