Again, the dilemma presents itself. What I want to get out are the things that have been happening in my life recently, and some of them are pretty embarrassing.
I want to discuss the fact that I don’t know how to date. I just got out of college where “dating” for real does not exist. Going for dinners, and walks, and jazz shows, and lounges does not exist. I also got out of a relationship with someone who fell for me pretty fast and I didn’t really have any dating to do before the feelings came. So now I'm in San Francisco, ready and free to do the dating thing. I want to do the dating thing.
There have been a few guys here and there but the two that I am going to talk about are the two that I liked most.
Guy/story #1
Remy.
I met him on the bus, the 71 going up Haight and to Golden Gate Park. It was sunny and warm and I was going to set up my hammock and read in the park. Remy got on the bus because he was heading to Amoeba, the record store. The reason we started talking was the bus got crowded so he stood next to me, I thought he was cute so I asked him where he was going, boom, ice broken. After a short bus ride we found our costume destinies in each other. It was a few days before Halloween, I was going to be a cow and he was going to be a milk man. After that coincidence, he got my number and met me in the park a couple hours later.
I was hooked after that.
Our first real date was awesome. We listened to records and danced for hours then went for a late desert and jointed up on Alamo Square Park at about 1 am. It might sound cliché, and I feel cliché saying it but our first kiss left me weak in the knees. The second date was great. Third date was great, so I thought.
Let me back up. Before the third date we were at his house lying on his bed just talking. He asked me tons of questions about my family and what they did. He inquired about my ex boyfriend and how long we have been broken up. Generally taking an interest in me more than normal.
Ok. Our third date was dinner. I was totally smitten by him and his charming ways. After dinner we kissed and parted ways and then I didn’t hear from him for 4 days, and I only did because I texted him on the 4th day. I felt very pathetic. A guy not calling is the ultimate hint, he’s not that into you or he would call you. I know this, I have learned to accept it and love it and sadly use it myself. But this drove me a little crazy. I thought he was interested and out of nowhere after a nice date his actions are telling me the opposite.
On the 5th day he invited me over to his house to listen to records. Before I went I had to find out if he was on the same page as me, otherwise I would end up getting hurt. So I said
“Before I come over I have to tell you…”
I stumbled over my words so badly. I couldn’t find the right words to say. It was clear that I was nervous. Finally I said
“I like you Remy. I have grown feelings for you. And I know that if I come over and we keep spending time together, those feelings will grow. So I guess what I want to know is if you like me too.”
I was shaking, it took guts to have that conversation with a 29 year old, charming guy that I just started seeing, but I had to express that. I couldn’t put my self in a position where I would like him way more that was returned and expect things and be very let down.
After a while of talking this is what was said, I think.
He thought that I was coming on “a little too strong.” He asked me if I wanted him to tell me that he likes me and he doesn’t want to date anyone else, he joked that I wanted him to say that I was the girl for him, and that we are serious. I told him no, that is not what I want. I told him that I didn’t want to get hurt and I feel like I like him more than he likes me and I just wanted him to know where I was. I feel like he freaked out.
The reason he didn’t call me after our date was to give us space to focus on ourselves because he felt that I liked him too much. I knew it, I know why guys don’t call. They get scared that you like them and they don’t like you. It’s very simple.
After a couple days of contemplation I realized that he is simply not the guy for me. I am looking for feelings; I am looking for a guy not to be scared away by me simply saying I like him after a couple weeks.
I felt like a desperate girl, a girl that wants to be in a relationship or nothing. But all I wanted was to keep dating and see where it all went. Apparently saying, “I like you” is more serious that I thought.
I guess I learned to never say anything about how I’m feeling unless asked or unless liking is expressed first.
Guy/story # 2
Richard
I met Richard at a bar. Moment for rolling eyes, or laughter.
He was way more interested in me than I was but I still let him get my number because I did act somewhat interested. He called me a couple days later and asked me to drinks. He picked me up at my door and we walked down the street to a cute little area called Hayes Valley. We got a beer at a cute outdoor café. Within 10 minutes I felt comfortable with him. He was cute, very nice, smart, nice family, just a nice guy to talk to. As the evening progressed so did our level of comfort, and perhaps intoxication. After a couple hours of walking around and sitting in places we kissed and walked back to my house where my roommate Kelly was hanging out, drinking wine with her new boyfriend. So essentially we came home to a party where we all hung out. After making out on the couch for a little bit he went home and contacted me the next day and we made plans for a date on Sunday. I am writing this on Saturday, so some thing happened last night.
Last night I went over to my good friend Amy’s place in North Beach because that’s where we were going out. Her roommate Lauren was with us as was her guy friend Calvin. We had a glass of wine together at Amy’s place and ventured off to the bars of North Beach. We walk into one and Calvin buys us drinks. After a while I notice Calvin flirting with me but try to not get too into it. Lauren, Calvin, and I were sitting at a table when I see Richard at the bar and he clearly sees me as we walk up to each other and hug.
The night goes like this,
I am looking out for Richard and occasionally talking to him while
Calvin won’t leave my side and Richard notices.
Amy, Calvin, and I leave the bar, Richard gives me a passionate kiss before we leave.
Around the corner the two are waiting for me. Amy goes inside to sleep and Calvin kisses me. While we are kissing Richard walks by and sees us. Needless to say that I felt horrible. I felt like a big slut, which I am not. I couldn’t stop thinking of how much it would suck to be in his shoes and how bad it makes me look and how awful I feel about the whole thing.
So this morning at 11:40 am I call him and apologize.
“I just wanted to say that I’m so sorry for last night. It all happened so fast and I’m sorry if I made you feel bad. I know we are not dating but I feel like I cheated on you, and I’m sorry.”
He told me to use more discretion next time but that’s he has been there and done that, I told him I have never been there or done that. I ended with saying that I understand if he doesn’t want to hang out with me anymore but I would like to hang out with him. He just said ok. So now I wonder if we have a date tomorrow or if he is ever going to call me again. Even if he does I feel like I broke some trust already, like he might not be able to forget this.
I don’t know what I learned here. Bad Bad coincidence.
